Thursday, August 29, 2013

Lectures From the Baby: Lecture #2 - Don't Bite the Boob that Feeds You

Lectures From the Baby
Lecture #2- Don’t Bite the Boob that Feeds You
This is essential. I don’t care what the reason is, don’t bite. You will lose your drinking privileges. I don’t care if it’s not coming out fast enough. DON’T BITE. You will lose your drinking privileges. I don’t care if your mom is playing the most interesting game on the iPad while you nurse. Don’t bite. You will lose your drinking privileges. I don’t care… Well, you get the idea.

You can, however, bite the bottle, spoon, toys, clothes, that dreaded pacifier, and even your teething toes. Although I don’t recommend it. Teething toes are tender. But the boob is 100% off limits. Period. Don’t bite.
Now, I know how tempting it can be. When you are over-the-top thirsty and that milk only squirts so fast. Try this: grab a hold of the boob with both hands and gently, but vigorously, squeeze. OK, Class, hold up your hands and pump the air just like you would if it were the boob. Like This. Again. Again. Faster. That’s it!

Only don’t use your nails. Those things may look paper thin, but they can do some real damage on the boob. The great thing about this technique is that it tells your mom when you are not getting enough. She will likely switch sides or supplement. (We’ll talk more about supplements in an upcoming lecture.)

And Freshmen, don’t think you can tune this lecture out just because you don’t have any teeth yet. The old Clamp and Pull will lose your drinking privileges just as fast.

Pop Quiz: what do you do when you are nursing and there’s something impressive happening in the room? Trust me on this one, the answer it Unlatch and Look. We should practice this important method now. Show me your latching position. Now, unlatch and look. Now Latch. Mom’s reading a book. Unlatch and Look. Now latch. The Baby next door is screaming. Unlatch and look. Now latch. Good!

A word of caution: Unlatching too many times is risky. Your mom could get the idea that you aren’t really hungry and put the boob away. So, three looks max. Then settle down and ignore whatever is going on around you. It’s a good idea to have a mantra to help you keep from being distracted. I recommend this one. Say it with me: “There’s nothing but the boob. There’s nothing but the boob. There’s nothing but the boob.”

While you would never intentionally bite the boob - Right? Right? - You may on occasion accidentally do so. There are two acceptable reasons you might unintentionally bite. The first one is when there’s something else in your mouth.

You senior classmen are especially in danger of this happening, because you’ve started solids already. I know how you like to wash those cheerios down with some milk. But if there is something in your mouth when your mom offers you the boob, definitely alert her with the Polite Cry.  You remember the Polite Cry from last lecture? It’s a good idea to have that one down, so let’s practice it again.

Unfortunately, your mom may misinterpret the Polite Cry and think you are telling her that you want the milk now. Let’s face it, there are only so many different ways to cry. If this happens, it’s OK to try to suck, but try not to bite. As soon as possible, unlatch and chew. Your mom should see your mouth working and either let you swallow or help you get the food out. Let her help you!

On the very rare occasion when you do bite the boob, through no intention of your own, you should apologize. The easiest way to do this is Smile really big while giving her the Polite Cry. This is know as the Baby Apology. Try it: Smile and Polite Cry.

Never, never, never, Smile and Laugh when you are apologizing. Your mom will take it wrong. Biting is not a funny matter.

The other time you might actually bite is when you fall asleep while nursing. Usually, when you fall asleep your mouth will open wider, it could also close tighter as you doze off. We really don’t need to go into this in detail, except to say try not to do it. But don't worry too much about it because when you‘re asleep, losing your drinking privileges isn’t that big of a deal.

That’s all the time we have today, but be sure to catch the next lecture: You Can’t Drink and Crawl.