Thursday, August 29, 2013

Lectures From the Baby: Lecture #2 - Don't Bite the Boob that Feeds You

Lectures From the Baby
Lecture #2- Don’t Bite the Boob that Feeds You
This is essential. I don’t care what the reason is, don’t bite. You will lose your drinking privileges. I don’t care if it’s not coming out fast enough. DON’T BITE. You will lose your drinking privileges. I don’t care if your mom is playing the most interesting game on the iPad while you nurse. Don’t bite. You will lose your drinking privileges. I don’t care… Well, you get the idea.

You can, however, bite the bottle, spoon, toys, clothes, that dreaded pacifier, and even your teething toes. Although I don’t recommend it. Teething toes are tender. But the boob is 100% off limits. Period. Don’t bite.
Now, I know how tempting it can be. When you are over-the-top thirsty and that milk only squirts so fast. Try this: grab a hold of the boob with both hands and gently, but vigorously, squeeze. OK, Class, hold up your hands and pump the air just like you would if it were the boob. Like This. Again. Again. Faster. That’s it!

Only don’t use your nails. Those things may look paper thin, but they can do some real damage on the boob. The great thing about this technique is that it tells your mom when you are not getting enough. She will likely switch sides or supplement. (We’ll talk more about supplements in an upcoming lecture.)

And Freshmen, don’t think you can tune this lecture out just because you don’t have any teeth yet. The old Clamp and Pull will lose your drinking privileges just as fast.

Pop Quiz: what do you do when you are nursing and there’s something impressive happening in the room? Trust me on this one, the answer it Unlatch and Look. We should practice this important method now. Show me your latching position. Now, unlatch and look. Now Latch. Mom’s reading a book. Unlatch and Look. Now latch. The Baby next door is screaming. Unlatch and look. Now latch. Good!

A word of caution: Unlatching too many times is risky. Your mom could get the idea that you aren’t really hungry and put the boob away. So, three looks max. Then settle down and ignore whatever is going on around you. It’s a good idea to have a mantra to help you keep from being distracted. I recommend this one. Say it with me: “There’s nothing but the boob. There’s nothing but the boob. There’s nothing but the boob.”

While you would never intentionally bite the boob - Right? Right? - You may on occasion accidentally do so. There are two acceptable reasons you might unintentionally bite. The first one is when there’s something else in your mouth.

You senior classmen are especially in danger of this happening, because you’ve started solids already. I know how you like to wash those cheerios down with some milk. But if there is something in your mouth when your mom offers you the boob, definitely alert her with the Polite Cry.  You remember the Polite Cry from last lecture? It’s a good idea to have that one down, so let’s practice it again.

Unfortunately, your mom may misinterpret the Polite Cry and think you are telling her that you want the milk now. Let’s face it, there are only so many different ways to cry. If this happens, it’s OK to try to suck, but try not to bite. As soon as possible, unlatch and chew. Your mom should see your mouth working and either let you swallow or help you get the food out. Let her help you!

On the very rare occasion when you do bite the boob, through no intention of your own, you should apologize. The easiest way to do this is Smile really big while giving her the Polite Cry. This is know as the Baby Apology. Try it: Smile and Polite Cry.

Never, never, never, Smile and Laugh when you are apologizing. Your mom will take it wrong. Biting is not a funny matter.

The other time you might actually bite is when you fall asleep while nursing. Usually, when you fall asleep your mouth will open wider, it could also close tighter as you doze off. We really don’t need to go into this in detail, except to say try not to do it. But don't worry too much about it because when you‘re asleep, losing your drinking privileges isn’t that big of a deal.

That’s all the time we have today, but be sure to catch the next lecture: You Can’t Drink and Crawl.

Parables From Relief Society: Three Talented Sisters

Three Sisters were called.
     To the 1st Sister: I need you to teach a class of 5 sisters. Your unique skills, and the way you present them, will bless their lives and help them.
     To the 2nd Sister: I need you to visit with 2 sisters. They need your knowledge and testimony each month.
     To the 3rd Sister: I need to you to serve 1 sister. It will take time, but if anyone can touch her, it's you.

The 1st Sister held her class.
     Taking their newfound skills home, 5 sisters bless their families and more than 10 were ultimately helped by this good 1st Sister.

The 2nd Sister faithfully visited her 2 sisters with a companion.
    Often, an adult daughter would join her mom when the 2nd Sister was there, and through the 2nd Sister's efforts, more than 4 were blessed each month.

The 3rd Sister could not believe that she was only asked to help one sister. Didn't she have unique skills, too? Wasn't she making any difference in the ward?
     So when the Spirit told the 3rd Sister to make a phone call, she buried her head in her book. When the Spirit told the 3rd Sister to get up and walk to a certain house, she buried her head in the pillow.

On Sunday, the 1st and 2nd Sisters felt closer to God, and the 3rd Sister buried her head in her hands.
    The 1st Sister received a call: I need you to serve one sister. It will be hard, but she needs to know God remembers her and wants her to come back. 

"[B]ring, save it be one soul unto me, how great shall be your joy with him in the kingdom of my Father!" D&C 18:15
For More click here.

Lectures From A Baby, Lecture #1 - The Boob Does Not Detach

Lectures from the Baby
Lecture #1: The Boob Does Not Detach.
Parents forget this a lot. This especially becomes a problem when you're sitting in the car seat and your dad refuses to stop so that your mom can nurse you. First, you should always start with the Polite Cry. Babies should remember their manners, too. The Polite Cry is an occasional, tearless Cry that simply says, "I need something now." I will demonstrate.
If they keep trying to fake you out with their fingers – or worse, the pacifier – then you know that the Polite Cry is not going to work. There is only one thing for you to do: Scream. As loud as you can.
                The infamous Siren Cry works well in this situation. Nothing annoys your dad faster than the old Siren. To do this, take a deep breath and cry as you exhale, then continue crying as you inhale. If the scream gets alternately louder and softer as you cry while breathing, then you are doing it correctly. It should remind your parents of a siren and help them realize that this is an emergency. Let's all take a moment to practice the Siren Cry.

                If your parents still haven't complied within about 10 minutes of your Siren Cry, you may have to change your strategy. I recommend the Hyperventilating Cry. This is a very rapid scream on each breath. We won't practice that scream here, because of the risky nature of The Hyperventilating Cry. It should only be used as a last resort, because once you get going, it can be very hard to stop. Other side effects of the Hyperventilating Cry include runny nose, coughing, and sometimes headaches. After just a few minutes, though, your mom will likely give in and switch places with your brother in the car.
                At this point, it is a good idea to slow your scream down to the Steadying Cry. That is when you take deep breaths between screams. This serves two purposes: you get your sobs under control, and you are still screaming. If you stop crying altogether, your mom could get the idea that you don't need to nurse after all. Let's practice the Steadying Cry now.
                Simply continue the Steadying Cry until your mom lifts her shirt and hangs her boob over the side of your car seat. This is one of those rare occasions when you will be able to nurse in public without one of those pesky covers that your mom likes to use.
                Try to meet your mom half-way, as much as your straps will allow. Try this: Arch your back and stretch your neck forward. How about we practice the Car Seat Stretch now? (In Lecture # 6, we'll cover when this maneuver is NOT a good idea.)
                 Don't try to catch the boob by stretching out your lips. This is known as the Fish-Kiss move, and it doesn't work. Trust me, your lips don't go that far.
If you are still recovering from the Hyperventilating Cry, one final About-Time Cry is acceptable. (We'll cover other uses for the About-Time Cry in Lecture #3.)
Once you are latched on, do not let go! Even if your dad stops at the red light and your mom is being subjected to awkward stares from the children in the car next to you. When you are full, then –and only then- should you let that boob go, get as comfortable as you can in a car seat, and fall asleep.
For more great tips on being a baby, be sure to attend next week's seminar: Don't Bite the Boob that Feeds You.

The Parable of the Spoons

The Parable of the Spoons:
     A rich man had a silver spoon. It was given to him years ago, purchased because it was the finest that money could buy. The man liked the spoon, but it was so much bother to polish and wax.

     A poor man had a wooden spoon. He had made it years ago, fashioned when he was still learning his craft. The man liked the spoon, and kept it shellacked and preserved.

     More years passed. The silver spoon yellowed  almost beyond recognition. The wooden spoon glistened with the sheen of being newly made. Upon the comparing the two spoons, a passer-by might price them the same. Yet I leave the question to you: Which of the two had more value?

Find another of my parables here.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Parables From Relief Society

A toddler living by a busy street will be told never to cross it. She will be told that it is dangerous and that a car could run over her. At 3 years old, she can understand this.
When the girl gets a little older, she may want to visit her friend who lives across the street. It is still dangerous to cross the street. The girl is small and drivers may not see her. At 5 years old, she can understand the need of an adult holding her hand to cross.
Eventually, the girl gets old enough to visit her friend by herself. Her mom reminds the girl to look both ways and only cross when it is safe to do so. At ten years old, the girl can understand these instructions and follow them with exactness.
Later, the girl will become a women. She will have her own girl, whom she will tell never to cross the street.
Did the rule change? Crossing the street was always dangerous, and remains so, even though the girl is old enough to cross it alone. The rule did not change. The girl's capacity to understand the rule changed.
Likewise, God's rules never change. His instructions might change, with our capacity to understand.

Want More? Three Sisters