Thursday, August 29, 2013

Lectures From A Baby, Lecture #1 - The Boob Does Not Detach

Lectures from the Baby
Lecture #1: The Boob Does Not Detach.
Parents forget this a lot. This especially becomes a problem when you're sitting in the car seat and your dad refuses to stop so that your mom can nurse you. First, you should always start with the Polite Cry. Babies should remember their manners, too. The Polite Cry is an occasional, tearless Cry that simply says, "I need something now." I will demonstrate.
If they keep trying to fake you out with their fingers – or worse, the pacifier – then you know that the Polite Cry is not going to work. There is only one thing for you to do: Scream. As loud as you can.
                The infamous Siren Cry works well in this situation. Nothing annoys your dad faster than the old Siren. To do this, take a deep breath and cry as you exhale, then continue crying as you inhale. If the scream gets alternately louder and softer as you cry while breathing, then you are doing it correctly. It should remind your parents of a siren and help them realize that this is an emergency. Let's all take a moment to practice the Siren Cry.

                If your parents still haven't complied within about 10 minutes of your Siren Cry, you may have to change your strategy. I recommend the Hyperventilating Cry. This is a very rapid scream on each breath. We won't practice that scream here, because of the risky nature of The Hyperventilating Cry. It should only be used as a last resort, because once you get going, it can be very hard to stop. Other side effects of the Hyperventilating Cry include runny nose, coughing, and sometimes headaches. After just a few minutes, though, your mom will likely give in and switch places with your brother in the car.
                At this point, it is a good idea to slow your scream down to the Steadying Cry. That is when you take deep breaths between screams. This serves two purposes: you get your sobs under control, and you are still screaming. If you stop crying altogether, your mom could get the idea that you don't need to nurse after all. Let's practice the Steadying Cry now.
                Simply continue the Steadying Cry until your mom lifts her shirt and hangs her boob over the side of your car seat. This is one of those rare occasions when you will be able to nurse in public without one of those pesky covers that your mom likes to use.
                Try to meet your mom half-way, as much as your straps will allow. Try this: Arch your back and stretch your neck forward. How about we practice the Car Seat Stretch now? (In Lecture # 6, we'll cover when this maneuver is NOT a good idea.)
                 Don't try to catch the boob by stretching out your lips. This is known as the Fish-Kiss move, and it doesn't work. Trust me, your lips don't go that far.
If you are still recovering from the Hyperventilating Cry, one final About-Time Cry is acceptable. (We'll cover other uses for the About-Time Cry in Lecture #3.)
Once you are latched on, do not let go! Even if your dad stops at the red light and your mom is being subjected to awkward stares from the children in the car next to you. When you are full, then –and only then- should you let that boob go, get as comfortable as you can in a car seat, and fall asleep.
For more great tips on being a baby, be sure to attend next week's seminar: Don't Bite the Boob that Feeds You.